Bed of Roses
by LaraWinner
Summary: Relena looks back on her life


DISCLAIMER: I don't own gudam wing or any of the characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

Bed of Roses

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BY: Lara_Winner

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SONG: Bette Midler

She walked along the beach ignoring the breeze that caused her honey colored hair to swirl around her. Her blue eyes were focused on the distant horizon as a small sad smile curved her lips. Her thoughts continued in circles, brief flashes of her life colliding together in a mirage of images. 

_Long, long ago, where the tall grass grows_

And the still air is sweet with summer flowers

In the shade by the stream _I would lie awake and dream_

And in dreaming I would while away the hours

Relena stopped and sat down on the warm sand. Closing her eyes she sighed turning her face to the sky. Ten long years and I am still alone, still striving to be what everyone needs and still knowing that no one cares, she thought. Bitterly she laughed to herself as she recalled the many days she would spend sitting at her window planning the rest of her life when she still thought it was her own to live. You gave up the luxury of having a life when you took the weight of the world on your shoulders, she whispered to herself. A tear slipped down her cheek unnoticed as she conceded to the truth. She had never really had a choice. Give up her life or sacrifice the lives of innocent people. Sacrifice the lives of the gundam pilots. No, there never had been a choice. Peace was the only option and she had promised she would do whatever it took to achieve it, anything that was necessary. The girl she had been then was convinced she was strong enough to carry out her destiny and also achieve her dreams. But the woman she was now knew she could never have both and the result was that she was out of hope and faith. 

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Long, long gone yesterday

And the castle and the prince and the god to whom I pray

Well I made and I'm going to lie in my bed of roses

I'm tired of trying to be free

Gonna lay down like a sigh in my bed of roses

Bed of roses I believed my life would be

She remembered how with the death of her father her secure little world crumbled and cold, harsh reality hit her hard. She was not a carefree little girl anymore but instead a princess with a kingdom to rule, a child with the power to change the course of history if she was strong enough to rise to the challenge. With nothing but her courage and her pride she accepted her destiny. She never knew that she was not only giving up her life but her very soul too. And now that I know would I still choose this path, she wondered. There was only one answer she could give herself, _I never had a choice_. 

She wrapped her arms tighter around herself as she began to sob quietly. The tears however only made her despise herself more. What was she crying for? With all the years that had passed she had plenty of time to accept the fact that she would always be alone. To accept that she would dedicate herself so much to her work that she would loose herself to it. But that didn't mean she had to like it. As much as she wished for the freedom and innocence of youth she knew that it was useless to dream. Dreams only hurt when they didn't come true and she wasn't a child anymore. There was no happily ever after for her.

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All wasted years

All the useless, bitter tears

If I'd known I'd have stopped it at the start

I knew life was long

I knew life could go wrong

But I never knew my life would break my heart

Her thoughts wandered to the two most important people in her life. Without Miliardo and Noin she didn't know what she would do. She depended on them so much that she truly felt guilty. Their support and love gave her the strength to carry on even through the most difficult times. She knew Miliardo regretted the fact that he left the responsibility of their heritage solely on her but she didn't blame him in the least. He had his own demons to conquer and he never would have been able to give his all to the cause, not with all the guilt he harbored in his heart. She loved her brother dearly and she loved Noin for standing by him and giving him a reason to keep going. They deserved the happiness they finaly found. 

Seeing them in her mind she smiled through her tears. The image then faded from her brothers ice blue eyes to the dark Prussian blue eyes of another. She could see him clearly, his unkempt brown hair, his handsome face, and his cold expression. He was the dream that never came true. He was the wake up call that changed her form a spoiled and idealistic girl into a mature and levelheaded woman. _Heero Yuy_. At one time she had loved him with all her heart and truly believed that she could win him over, but that had been foolish. It had been nine years since the last time she had seen him. He had just saved her life from an attempted assassination and she was so glad to see him that she put aside all her pride and rushed to him and hugged him. After a moment he firmly pushed her away and looked her straight in the eye and whispered 'Let go Relena." Three simple words and yet the meaning behind them had the effect of destroying her. She tried to hold back her tears as he turned and without a backward glance walked away. She knew the meaning he'd had behind those words all to well. He wanted to be free of her and she loved him enough to let him go. As she expected she never saw him again. Now that she looked back it still hurt but she was glad it happened. It taught her a very important lesson. She was devoting herself to a dream. At that moment she gave up on all the fantasies she carried with her. Swearing to herself that she would move on she changed her devotion from him to her work. At least that was something stable and the world did need her, well, she liked to think it did. But deep down she still had the optimism that one day she would find happiness. She let herself fall into a repetitious routine and just kept telling herself that one-day something real would come her way and she would wait patiently for it to find her. She had no more dreams, just the vague hope of one-day.

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Dreams die harder than pride

I have learned my lesson well

I will put them both aside

'Cause I made and I'm gonna lie in this bed of roses

I'm tired and I'm dying to be free

_Gonna lay down like a sigh in my bed of roses_

Bed of roses I believed my life would be

The years passed and so did her last glimmers of hope. No one completely understood her. No one even bothered to try. She dated men and each one had the same flaw, they didn't see her as a person but instead they saw her as a prize. Something to possess and show off. People saw her as the symbol of peace, not what she really was, an ordinary woman. They never cared about her feelings as long as her appearance was perfect they were content and very quickly she withdrew into herself even more. The loneliness that nagged at her slowly started to consume her. She wasn't lacking companionship. That was never a problem. She had many acquaintances and she had her closest friends but none of them filled the void in her heart. None could put an end to the longing for love, the kind of love that went beyond the boundaries of friendship. She wanted a family; she wanted a life, she wanted something to live for, she wanted something she could truly belong to. She wanted the one thing she could never have. A partner who would love her for the real her, not the Foreign Minister and not the object of perfection, but the girl who wished she could smile a happy smile and mean it. But again, fate was not giving her a choice. So instead she could only force a smile for world and in her own private refuge release the misery that was always just beneath the surface. 

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Roses die, and all the fairy tales are lies

And I guess that's just to bad for poor old me

Gonna lay down like a sigh in my bed of roses

Bed of roses I believed my life would be

Some times she wondered if she really had the guts to leave it all behind, to just walk away and disappear. The world had found its own stability and there were people more capable than herself to take on the job of being a Foreign Minister. No one needed her and she really had no reason to stay. Even though she was intrigued by the thought of just running away she couldn't, she wasn't a person to run away from difficult situations. Too bad "Difficult" was an understatement when speaking of her so called life, it truly wasn't difficult, it was just her own personal hell. Of course, she could always end it. No one would miss her and life would go on without her. She could end all her pain, and all her misery. Quickly. Painlessly. It would be so easy, so very, very easy…….. 

Abruptly rising to her feet, Relena started back to her car. Angrily wiping the tears from her eyes she cleared all the depressing thoughts from her mind. She wasn't a coward and she refused to take the easy and selfish way out. She still had a future if nothing else, even if it was a cold, empty, and lonely future. 

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Bed of Roses I believed my life would be 


End file.
